YEaaaahhhhh. I'm feeling better. Alhamdullilah.

Can't escape the hard parts of life but anyways, lets get around. 

less than 2 months to the end of the year, yo. 

Things are looking awesome. 

Not too much to say that situation around me have been challenging recently. Though I seemed bubbly majority of the times, I laugh and joked around, I actually dread it when reality caught up and gave me a run through of  episodes that broke my heart. I don't like to harp on events that has passed, I force myself to put aside stuff that can dampen my steps to move on but of course, as much as I keep these stuff aside, their detachment from my heart took time and boy, its a long time.

I'm not the sort who like to throw a blanket of grey to people around me. Especially when they are having good times they want to share with me. Perhaps I'm good at masking the stirred emotions stemmed from the heart and my appetite hardly get affected, whether I'm sad or not. So I rather move on grow more white hairs. Haizzzz.. =(

But of course at times when I literally reached boiling point, to the point where i'm at the brink of breaking to pieces, I'll turn to my soldiers. Ask them, some of them knew and were there when my floodgates went on a roll. Though I'm grateful for their presence, I feel bad if I need them more than they could ever provide and thus, again, I bottle up the bits of pain and sleep on it.

I don't know how long it will take for stuff like these to stabilize. I lost count on times I prayed for strength and ask HIS guidance. I am still doing that through and through. I resigned to fate on matters I can't put my fingers on and I hide from ever surfacing. Its easier to handle some issues when you are not noticed. I'm more willing to compromise just so any loose end can get tied, get over and done with as long as it doesnt hurt any parties. If any matters centers around insignificant stuff, I'm too blind to care. I know I'm a big girl and have to deal with these issues and it's not good to give up on effort when a single muscle hasn't been flex but I am too tired. Mentally tired and I can feel my broken soul screaming for a recharge which I am still struggling to do. 

I shall stop complaining, for my intention is just to ventilate, I seemed to have done more than that. So if any of you stumble upon this, please send me prayer if you could, otherwise, a smiley or a thumbs up would just do. You have no idea what it would mean.

thank you. 

I'm surrounded by people everyday. People who loves me and people who doesn't matter *roll eyes* Im grateful for the company I have. It brings meaning to my semi-charmed life. 

At times I find myself lonely.

I can't reach out for the phone and dial a number,  waiting for the other party to answer and  blurt my thoughts out and just hang up. Like doing something so random. Sure I have pals who would accomodate and entertain me but how many times can I pull out a random stunt and leave before they kicked me sideways. 

My heart is still feeling a bit squeezed and it stifles me  a bit. I just can't tell. Waking up each morning doesn't spring out the zest like it used to, I stop wondering why. I then tell myself to be grateful to wake up another day and make good the rest of the hours to come. But ending my day at night is the same thing just like waking up. I feel my brain doing a count down to the hours I will wake up again and the whole cycle repeats.

Perhaps I took the things I had randomly for granted and when I can't have it anymore, I began to yearn it. I stopped my heart from feeling guilty or blaming others for any situation I'm in. Perhaps the higher order did not plan for matters to fold this way. So I just move on.. 

Leaving fate to HIS hand proved the sanest way for me to continue walking. Yup because for all the pain, the fear, the happiness and the joy HE knows. I pray he will guide me to the rest of the passage. I humbly rest and seek solace. 

Then why is my heart still heavy, 

still sad?

 His last words were "I wish you all the best".

And while it's almost a month we've separated, I now feel my heart crumbling apart. Perhaps a future together is not part of the plan.  But it's ok. 
Its so convenient to feel regret again, ponder upon the mistakes again and step out to try again. But who am i kidding.. 

Anyways, perhaps i'll fall in love again another day.

Meanwhile, thanks for the memories...............................

 You are annoying because you verbally abuse that person before knowing the actual situation.
 You are annoying because you did not honour your promise and others had to kick action for your one miserable fault  that very day while you disappear, settled on your  "guilt" comfort.
 You are annoying because you shut that person up robbing that person of a voice to reckon with.
 You are annoying because you swing into an imbalance launch pad and place eggshells along the path of the people     close to  you.
 You are annoying because you paint a thousand pictures of lies over and over again.
 You are annoying because you use your power and disposition to front a major deception.
 You are annoying because you are condescending towards that person and influencing those you can into believing  your lies.
 You are annoying because when you begin to think of losing someone dear to you, you shed crocodile tears.
 You are annoying because oh my gosh just get over that person! Not even yours to begin with.


 You are annoying because you are simply you, a very human connotation which I then realize. 
 
so thats why,

you are annoying.